Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
