Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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