so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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