just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
