just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
