apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
