Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
