when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I am one with the molecules
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize