my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
