At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
