Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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