Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
