that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize