so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
