Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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