Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
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