fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
