Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
