You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
