And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
