I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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