I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
