The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
