I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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