Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
