I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
