I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
