I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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