she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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