I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
