I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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