I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
