She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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