There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
After last night, I could never be a politician.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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