Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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