I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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