i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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