remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
