my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
