Buhtt sex?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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