Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
