so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
