FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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