I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
