the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
