My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
