I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
