It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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