dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize