Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
im holly from the hills drunk
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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