i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
