Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
