Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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