You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
