I wish I could teleport
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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