My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
