No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
