I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize