Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
be right there i have to get my cape
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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