I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
