On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
