I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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