i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
