the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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