Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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