There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
