I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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